Finding New Voice, New Vision...
I went in for a visit with my naturopath this week in Plymouth, NH and over a span of several hours together I left feeling absolutely inspired. Ignited. Full with gratitude. I've stopped and started this blog post about five times, watching my mind swell with the current of all that I want to say. All that is stirring deep in my heart, that wants desperately to find expression but comes rushing at once only to leave the aperture of my voice blocked. No doubt the winds of change are stoking the fire of transition and transformation in my heart, in my life. You can read the most recent update around my visit with my doc in a seperate post on my blog. As I negotiate change I wanted first to voice that which demands to be heard; mostly by myself but also by those who have been witness to my journey so far, as I form new vision for this blog.
Back in February when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, my world and my self, as I'd known them, shattered in to a million pieces. As if someone had placed headphones over my ears, the world became muffled. I continued to move through the motions that life demanded of me. Eventually though, I had to decide what steps I would take moving forward around treatment and healing. I could not toss this aside like some inconvenience -- "I'll deal with this tomorrow" was not an option. Not only decisions, but also changes demanded to be made and it was I and I alone, who had to make them. My reasons for choosing to work with my body and mind to heal using non-toxic therapies, as opposed to using poison to "treat" a deep bodily imbalance has been well documented in my other blog posts. However, for me this decision was never perceived as some guarantee; there was never a sense in my mind that because I chose to heal naturally I would be granted automatic success. On the contrary, my knowledge of healing coupled with a deep inner sense guided me to my decision fully understanding I could not yet know the outcome, as none of us ultimately know the results of our choices when we make them. It saddens me that the subtle intricacies and intuitions essential in healing are so completely severed in the western medical system. There is simply no room for such subtleties in what has become a massive corporate operation. Although they have mastered the art of emergency care, step beyond that in to the long term treatment of dis-ease and their understanding extends only to the compartmentalized treatment of symptoms at any cost to the body and the patients' wallet.
That system did not appeal to me and I knew that the work of healing my body would require not only absolute participation on my part but utilizing therapies that would nourish, cleanse, rebuild, strengthen and restore my body, mind and spirit. The rest was up to the universe; the grand leap of faith. I had to trust the process. It was around this time I began to truly step in to conversation with my Self, with life, with divinity. Up until this time, I had spent much of my adult years carrying the weight of life circumstances -- single parenthood and survival struggles -- on my own. It had been a largely solo trek for me and although a healing journey such as this one is in a very real sense, solo, it also demands some currency of support. I am profoundly grateful for the love and encouragement that I have received from friends, acquaintances and family on this crazy bright journey. On another level though, I wanted a way to stay connected to the world creatively, to be witnessed, heard and most of all a way to process everything that was transpiring. One of the tools that have helped me do this is writing and thus, my blog was born.
I was well aware of the doubters; I came in contact with them every day and learned to grow accustomed to this type of interaction. The look of absolute fear and doubt that dropped like a screen on peoples faces when I told them I was healing naturally only made me more determined. Sharing my journey while still taking the steps was reaching the edge of a comfort zone that no longer mattered to me. I realized however, that I was positioning myself to potentially receive criticism by those who do not fully understand the width and breadth of this issue in my life and in the world today. Unbeknownst to me, I was learning a very important lesson (that would be tested many times again) on how to stand firmly in my own decisions, to trust my own intuition in the face of others' fear and doubt. I was aware that the subject matter in my blog posts could be triggering for some people. This is nothing I can control nor would I edit out my personal truth to avoid offending others. I started this blog as a way to share my journey, to stay tethered to the world, to allow a catharsis of sorts to take hold through the courage it took for me to open up the door and allow my vulnerability, imperfections and truth to be seen and maybe even provide an alternative scenario to those who may be facing a similar journey. I have always done so with the understanding that this is my journey and I would never attempt to tell another what to do, for this is absolutley not my place nor would I want it to be.
"Sometimes our work begins with something darker and more difficult. Something not wanted. Sometimes we begin with images that are the opposite of nourishing and inspiring. These first images can form the foundation for a work that is both liberating and inspiring." ~ David Whyte Through the sharing of my blog posts I discovered an unexpected love for writing. It seemed natural to write about one of the most significant things to ever happen to me in my life so far. This path has called for an excavation of my life as I knew it and a willingness to examine the uncomfortable truths of that which, not only no longer served me in my life, but also was actually causing harm to my whole being. In fact, the magnitude at which I've changed my lifestyle is something I am now able to honor and respect, rather than belittle and make light as I would so easily have done seven months ago when I was most comfortable playing it small. In fact, it used to be that if I thought about my future I would become filled with an echoing fear. My energy was being channeled in to surviving, I could not imagine much else beyond keeping my head above water, for my daughters sake as well as my own. But like seeds we plant and know not the fruit they will bear until they crack through the shell that once contained them and reach up through the earth’s surface toward the sun, my life has begun to grow.
These days there is a lot of visioning, dreaming, and weaving intentions and ideas for a future I am no longer afraid to step in to. For ultimately the life we live today becomes our tomorrow and so it is with each sweet moment in this day that we can cultivate immense beauty and new vision. What we feed our body, our mind and soul makes a difference. Bringing heart and value to this fact is one of the greatest gifts we can extend to ourselves and ultimately the rest of this sweet, beautiful earth we call home. With that said, while I am still on a healing journey, it no longer encompasses my entire being. For the last seven months it demanded nothing less than all of me, and for good reason. I am still closely tending this garden but there is new earth to till and other aspects of my life that are calling for expression through many forms, one of which is through writing. It would seem that I am finally beginning to step fully in to the title of this blog -- the vibrant life -- and there is so much more to it than the healing journey I am on.
When you find yourself in a position of compromised health, it is in that moment you realize how absolutely priceless our health is. Without it, life is dimmed a bit and inevitably shaped by the limitations that come with that. It is my firm belief that we can be far more proactive in our lives to create true health -- physically, mentally and spiritually -- than many are choosing to be. You could wait until you receive a wake up call like I did, or you could start planting new seeds today. It is from the heart of this truth, that I would like to share more in my future blog posts. I am no longer following a regimen but learning how to thrive, grow and live a lifestyle rooted in listening -- to my body, my life as a whole -- and responding consciously, rather than outlining an agenda that I force upon my body and life each day. This is being in conversation with life and in my opinion, a conversation well worth having. XO