Barefoot on the Earth
It's taken me a long time to get to this place. To sit down and finally allow the words to flow out. They've been stirring, steeping, churning, simmering and asking - begging - to be given full expression. When enough layers have been stripped away, we are finally able to recognize and gently trust our creations for what they are. We're able to plug in to our truth which is rooted in the wild, wise mystery of life.
This writing expression is about my showing up, being completely transparent and rather than playing a role, learning to step in and be curious about the process, not just the Instagram-worthy parts but all the parts. This is not easily done and I myself am only finally trusting because there are some amazing, bright, wise humans that have inspired me enough to do so.
This willingness to hold wide open space for our unfolding path, is where authenticity lives and our world has become so contrived in every outlet possible, it seems at times that we are becoming numb to our own humanity. This, is a very dangerous path and one I hope we don't wander down too far.
As I sit here typing these words, I am knee deep in the process of attempting to relocate myself to new lands for a little while. Because, it's been a turbulent ride these last months. Because, there are skins that need shedding. Because my world as I've known it for so long has cracked and I don't know where I fit or where I want to fit anymore. Because, there is good healing that needs continuation. Because, I have a purpose and a path that calls to me but before I can give back I must replenish the weary contours of my heart.
The intention to relocate for a time, arrived as a deep, burgeoning, inner call from the deepest parts of myself, telling me that I need to go to the desert. It was felt physically and mentally although at first brush I disregarded it for the shock and sheer magnitude of such an endeavor. But soon it became clear that ignoring this call would generate the creation of more tension and struggle and so, I tentatively began exploring job opportunities. Within days my inquiries were met with enthusiasm and with that Santa Fe became my focus.
As I digested the possibility further, fear wrapped itself around me and tried to convince me not to go. For a million reasons, trust me there is no shortage of them. I will admit, for a little while I succumbed to fear's logic, concluding that this was all too much to take on now, that moving across the country with my two cats, on a very limited budget, a walking wellspring of raw emotion and no belongings beyond a few boxes worth of books and clothes...um yeah, no. It didn't take long, that gnawing sense came back and grew louder, sharper, more persistent until one day I began to reflect in earnest, why was I resisting so hard?
You see, not only have I been on a significant healing journey which began three years ago and was the original inspiration behind this blog. Last summer, I lost my job of 5 years, and my daughter who has been my world for 18 years, recently took off on her own adventures, traveling and carving out her own path. At 18 she is exploring and seeking and adventuring, she's following her heart. I've always made it clear to her she's always got a place to come home to.... I just never promised that home would be staying in one place.
Life has been a deep journey of re-routing and lots of lessons.
My daughter has been my heart and soul, my pal, for 18 years and that grew from the two of us enduring the darkest times either of us have ever known. Many years were beyond comprehension, and many days felt unbearable. But I knew one day we would both get beyond this dark and turbulent time. Looking back now I see how her early struggle and supporting her process as best as I could, is the only way I would ever do it had I to do it again. Parents - hang in there, they need you even when they are pushing you away. Just be there. And breathe.
When it came time to say goodbye, I celebrated her excitement, this truly was healthy but my experience was of a different nature. Life as I'd known it for 18 years, essentially ended. For the interim, until I could piece myself together again, I moved to Portland, Maine to take a job and a temporary rental that ultimately, in no uncertain terms, is very clearly not where I am meant to stay.
And so, there I was that day, wondering what all the resistance to moving was and I just dropped the sword and let fear hang out next to me in the passenger seat. I scheduled the interviews, gave my notice at work and it seemed as if things might actually come together. My heart began to flutter at the possibility. I even managed to find a short-term, furnished rental that would serve as a 'landing' place for me to catch my breath and probably put my cats in to therapy when all is said and done.
However, as it goes when you're on a very limited budget, this can make the simplest of things sometimes the most complicated. Why, one might wonder, is a smart, capable, creative woman such as myself on a very limited budget? Simply put, it’s the domino effect of years of struggling to make ends meet as a single parent, of paying out-of-pocket for on-going alternative plant medicines to continue to thrive my healing (more posts on this topic to come) and a myriad other more in addition, I chose to take a job with a business that is in transition and some hours promised to me were not provided. There is deeper to go on this topic but I'll save for another post.
I share these personal details not to create a story and certainly not because it’s easy. In fact, these are the bits I would much rather keep hidden, for they do not reflect the life I envision for myself. I share because it's part of my current truth that I will transform and this sharing, this offering, is simply a snapshot through words, of my non-linear path toward creating deep, authentic and soulful changes in my life. I am learning to see through new eyes and sometimes a willingness is all that's needed to begin.
As I sit here allowing the words to flow, I really don't know which way the tide will turn. I have three weeks before I must leave my current apartment and my employment in this city will be finished. My hope is that I will be packing up my car and heading toward New Mexico.
However wobbly my steps may be, I am propelled by something so big inside me that I will continue to tune in, listen deep and trust. Intuition is rooted deeply within all of us at birth, but many of us are not taught to respect or trust it and so gradually we become complacent to it. I believe this fact sits at the very root cause of much of our personal and global unrest and dysfunction.
We've stopped listening.
"Some people are afraid this deep knowing via instinct and intuition will cause them to be reckless or thoughtless, but this is an unfounded fear. Quite the contrary; lack of intuition, lack of sensitivity to cycles, or not following one's knowing, causes choices which turn out poorly, even disastrously." ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes
And so, I'm writing again. For this, I am thankful. It's not just my life that is changing but the entire world is undergoing massive, deep, cathartic change and how each of us responds, will ultimately give life and breath to what can be regenerated in the world. I believe it's time we start listening again, getting our bare feet and hands on the earth again and feed the creative spirit for there is so much medicine to be cultivated and shared through song, word, art, nature, earth-centered technology, community, connection.
Whether I make my way to the distant desert lands or not, I will continue to write. Here I stand, at the beginning of a new path, barefoot and open to a fresh start. XO
"So, it is good to take to the mountain when we don't know what else to do. When we are drawn to quests we know little about, this, makes life and develops soul. In climbing the unknown mountain, we gain true knowledge of the instinctive psyche and the creative acts of which it is capable. The instinctual viewpoint that emanates from the wild unconscious, and is cyclical, begins to be the only one that makes sense of and gives meaning to life, our lives. It unerringly informs us about what to do next." ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes